an open letter to my most embarassing celebrity boyfriend
Dear Joshua Jackson,
You don't have the topicality of Andy Samberg or the fame of Jake Gyllenhaal. You don't have the indie cred of Peter Sarsgaard or the niche-market factor of Dave Lieberma or my gay boyfriend. There may be others better looking, more talented, wiser about career choices, but I still have a soft spot for you. When I see your name in Gawker Stalker, I kind of want to check out the place you were spotted. What I'm trying to say is that in my own personal Non-Threatening Boys magazine, you're always on the cover.
Which is why what happened yesterday saddened me so greatly.
Yesterday, I came home after work to see what delights my TiFaux held for me. What did I find but an old episode of Saturday Night Live, hosted by you! It wasn't a particularly great episode. But here's the thing: you were funny. You did a great Donnie Osmond impression and you did your own monologue, a trick that was not accomplished by last week's host and fellow Celebrity Boyfriend Peter Sarsgaard. I looked you up on IMDB to see what you're up to these days.
Joshua Jackson, you're up to a lot of nothing. Nothing good, that is. You made five movies that allegedly came out in 2005. I remember exactly one of them being in theatres. What was that one? Racing Stripes. Come on, now.
Listen, you're really not a bad actor. You were the best thing about Dawson's Creek (a low compliment, but a compliment nonetheless). You were great in The Laramie Project. You were way too good for all those third-tier teen movies you made in the late 90s/early 2000s. Moreover, you're charming as hell. Remember how when Dawson's Creek started, we were supposed to root for Dawson? Remember how, within a season, you became the alpha male, solely on the strength of your charisma? You can do it again!
I'm sure it must be a hard time for you right now and that watching your ex-girlfriend make out with Tom Cruise must be even more disgusting for you than it is for the rest of us (between that and "alpha heterosexual" Chris Klein's recent asshat remarks, Katie Holmes' taste looks so bad, it kind of drags you down), but get it together, man! Your next project, the star-studded Bobby, looks like it might be okay. Call your Oscar-deserving friend Michelle Williams and get some tips about how to make the world forget you were Pacey. Do you really want to fall to the level of Sam the Eagle doppleganger James Van Der Beek? Shape up!
With crushing and concern,
Leila
You don't have the topicality of Andy Samberg or the fame of Jake Gyllenhaal. You don't have the indie cred of Peter Sarsgaard or the niche-market factor of Dave Lieberma or my gay boyfriend. There may be others better looking, more talented, wiser about career choices, but I still have a soft spot for you. When I see your name in Gawker Stalker, I kind of want to check out the place you were spotted. What I'm trying to say is that in my own personal Non-Threatening Boys magazine, you're always on the cover.
Which is why what happened yesterday saddened me so greatly.
Yesterday, I came home after work to see what delights my TiFaux held for me. What did I find but an old episode of Saturday Night Live, hosted by you! It wasn't a particularly great episode. But here's the thing: you were funny. You did a great Donnie Osmond impression and you did your own monologue, a trick that was not accomplished by last week's host and fellow Celebrity Boyfriend Peter Sarsgaard. I looked you up on IMDB to see what you're up to these days.
Joshua Jackson, you're up to a lot of nothing. Nothing good, that is. You made five movies that allegedly came out in 2005. I remember exactly one of them being in theatres. What was that one? Racing Stripes. Come on, now.
Listen, you're really not a bad actor. You were the best thing about Dawson's Creek (a low compliment, but a compliment nonetheless). You were great in The Laramie Project. You were way too good for all those third-tier teen movies you made in the late 90s/early 2000s. Moreover, you're charming as hell. Remember how when Dawson's Creek started, we were supposed to root for Dawson? Remember how, within a season, you became the alpha male, solely on the strength of your charisma? You can do it again!
I'm sure it must be a hard time for you right now and that watching your ex-girlfriend make out with Tom Cruise must be even more disgusting for you than it is for the rest of us (between that and "alpha heterosexual" Chris Klein's recent asshat remarks, Katie Holmes' taste looks so bad, it kind of drags you down), but get it together, man! Your next project, the star-studded Bobby, looks like it might be okay. Call your Oscar-deserving friend Michelle Williams and get some tips about how to make the world forget you were Pacey. Do you really want to fall to the level of Sam the Eagle doppleganger James Van Der Beek? Shape up!
With crushing and concern,
Leila
posted by Leila at 4:28 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home